How To Ruin Your Chances With Righty Women

Want to obliterate the likelihood a conservative woman would ever go home with you? Learn from columnist Ian Robinson who accomplished it in just two easy steps.

Step 1:  Pen an utterly creepy 700 word paean to conservative women. Make it so God awful that people wonder whether it might actually be satire.  And remember, don’t bother to disguise your desperation.  The message should be loud and clear: “Please have sex with me. Someone? Anyone?”  Bonus points if the reader is 99 percent sure you typed with one hand while touching yourself with the other.

Step 2: Publish your column in the Calgary Sun.  (Don’t worry about your writing skills.  Apparently the Sun will publish just about anything.)

Now if you’re truly dedicated to spending the rest of your days alone and unloved, consider these tips when crafting your own 700 words of concentrated woman repellent:

Reel ’em in with an inoffensive title. Ian Robinson chose “Right-Wing Women Rock.”  Who doesn’t love a compliment?  A title like this is pretty much guaranteed to go viral in the rightosphere.

Reveal your fetish for high-heeled shoes. Robinson nails this one with seven paragraphs devoted to the subject.  Here are a few:

The primary reason our womenfolk are at war with the looming spectre of the nanny state is because you can’t buy Jimmy Choos in a socialist paradise.

The only sensible footwear you’ll find in a right-wing woman’s closet are the Nike cross-trainers that go with her gym membership.

Everything else has a three-inch heel. Minimum.

Yep, nothing more enticing than a man who knows his Jimmy Choos from his Manolo Blahniks and expects any woman worth her weight in strappy sandals to know the same.

Broad brush conservative women as much as possible. Celebrating individuality is for suckers! Excessively broad generalizations are where it’s at, so be sure to convey that right wing women are a monolith of high-heeled, shoe-obsessed shopaholics. Follow Robinson’s example:

Left-wing drabs recycle. Right-wing women shop — and the government measures how much they shop every month to find out whether we’re still in a recession. Basically, the world economy depends on right-wing women buying shoes.

You never hear a right-wing woman break out statistics pointing out that only 25% of elected offices in Canada are held by women, and then whining about it.

No. A right-wing woman wants to get elected, she runs for office.

If she wins, great. If she loses … well, there’s always more shoe shopping.

Don’t forget, always bring it back to the shoes.

For good measure, destroy your infinitesimal chances with left wing women too.

Not for us the sturdy, honest calves of the New Democrat/Green Party female, honed on eco-tourist rainforest hikes.

Those legs are often on unfortunate display, extending from a knee-length tweed skirt as hairy as the legs themselves, and end in a pair of Birkenstocks.

I have yet to see a pair of Birkenstock women’s shoes that didn’t look like part of the required uniform for police SWAT teams. Sensible shoes are one thing … quite another to don a pair that look like they’re meant for rappelling down the sides of buildings with a Heckler & Koch sniper rifle slung over your shoulder.

In case you hadn’t noticed, yes, it’s all about the shoes.

Slip in your expectations of how a right wing woman ought to behave.

A right-wing woman hits the gym, swings past Sobey’s and has dinner on the table by the time you get home … while her left-wing counterpart is still stuck in traffic listening to Sarah McLachlan on her iPod and feeling morally superior about her carrot choices.

And when that plate of food is put in front of you by the right-wing hottie you had the good sense to marry, it will be 100% tofu-free. If you’re lucky, she just remembered to buy steak and forgot about the carrot entirely.

Right-wing women have traditional families, so they want to raise them themselves … or at the very least by a nanny they’ve vetted, rather than abdicating that responsibility to the state.

If she wants you to keep the shoe money comin’, she’ll have meat and potatoes (hold the potatoes) on the table every night before you get home.  And she won’t gain an ounce, thanks to long hours of hard work raising your traditional family and working out at the gym.

To witness Ian Robinson attempting to guarantee lifelong abstinence, read the whole Calgary Sun column.

Via Hot Air Headlines, where I now see there are at least a few female commenters who dig this kind of stuff. Hey Ian, do yourself a favor and get yourself a HA account.  It’s your only chance!


8 Responses to “How To Ruin Your Chances With Righty Women”

  1. CGHill on October 31st, 2009 12:33 pm

    While I can in fact tell Manolos from Jimmy Choos, I winced all the way through that piece: does the man know nothing but stereotypes?

  2. Jenn Q. Public on October 31st, 2009 2:00 pm

    Knowing the difference is acceptable as long as you don’t use it to stereotype conservative women. You are forgiven. ;-)

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  5. Janis on November 1st, 2009 1:15 pm

    LEFT wing women recycle?! I should tell this idiot how many left-wing string bag using women I know who still haven’t figured out that the best way to espouse the “living lightly on the earth” philosophy that they pretend to espouse is to BUY LESS SHIT. They seem to think that their love for the environment frees them from having to actually do anything about it.

  6. Jenn Q. Public on November 1st, 2009 1:22 pm

    Janis, surely you don’t expect them to practice what they preach when no one sees them doing it, do you? A Greenpeace sticker on the bumper and biodegradable hemp shoes on their feet let’s people see how much they care, and that’s what really counts. ;-)

  7. Janis on November 3rd, 2009 5:58 pm

    *chuckles* Jenn, I remember reading one of those obnoxious “rich white liberals proving how down with the cause they are” magazines about sustainable living or some such garbage once. It was obscene. I felt like I wanted to reach right into the photos of Bezillionaire Bob and his Trophy Wife and tell them, “Buying a recycled-compressed-particleboard dining set for your third beach house for nine grand is NOT GREEN! HAVING ONE FUCKING HOUSE IS GREEN!”


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