Alan Wolfe: Conservatives Are From Mars, Liberals Are From Awesomeville

In his latest book, The Future of Liberalism, Alan Wolfe describes seven dispositions that characterize liberals:

  1. a sympathy for equality
  2. an inclination to deliberate
  3. a commitment to tolerance
  4. an appreciation of openness
  5. a disposition to grow
  6. a preference for realism
  7. a taste for governance

I hear liberals also absorb fluid like a ShamWow and have a pill that can make a man larger. Call now, operators are standing by!

Like Alan Wolfe’s liberals, I also embrace “a preference for realism,” so unless he’s describing classical liberalism, his assessment is nothing more than comic fodder.

Donuts/Bacon ’08!

The GOP should have backed this ticket:

That’s pork I can believe in.

Found via a tweet from E.M. Zanotti.

Not My Cup of Tea …

… but New York based SerendipiTea is hoping that if President-elect Barack Obama sends thrills up your leg, their new Inaugural Blend will be yours. Predictably (and offensively) enough, “OBAMA 44 ~ Inaugural Blend ” is a Kenyan black tea with a taste of all American apple pie and just a hint of Hawaii. Here’s the promotional email I received yesterday:

SerendipiTea & TEA A Magazine Commemorate History

OBAMA 44 ~ Inaugural Blend
Kenyan Black Tea, Apple, Mango & Cinnamon

Commemorate this Historic 2009 Inauguration with a Tea toast for a Change.
Enjoy a brisk, clear cup of straight-forward Kenyan Black
blended with a taste of All-American Apple Pie
& a hint of Hawaii (Apples, go-Mango & Cinnamon).
For the maverick lurking within, add a drop of Milk or Soy….
Then settle in to observe or jump for joy.
$10.00/4 oz Box Retail approx. 50 cups

Just don’t brew your Inaugural Blend for too long – it might lead to bitterness.

Marrena Lindberg: Portrait of a Liberal

Perched on a stool in a television studio, Marrena Lindberg pulls out her prized possession: a photo of Stephen Colbert. She squints her eyes slightly, scrunches up her face, and emits a slightly tortured mewl that falls somewhere between whine and sigh. That, she explains somewhat clinically to the naked adult film star on her right, was just one of the 40 to 50 Colbert-induced orgasms she experiences every day.

My better half and I watch in horrified fascination as the heavyset Ms. Lindberg plugs The Orgasmic Diet, a nutritional regimen we imagine does little for one’s figure or sex life. As our tear-inducing laughter subsides, she demonstrates one more hands-off, six second Colbert-gasm.

And thus, our first night of upgraded cable service came to an end. (Best recession ever, by the way.) We’ll be a little more careful about surfing past the HBO range of channels from now on.

As distasteful as it was to watch this woman humiliate herself by faking orgasms on television, I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of person does such a thing. I completely understand why she appeared on the Katie Morgan show – she’s got books to sell – but who the hell gets on TV and drools over a picture of Stephen Colbert while pretending to Kegel her way to climax in less than 10 seconds?

Enter Google.

42-year-old Marrena Lindberg is an overweight Wiccan divorcée who indulges her stalker-like obsession with Stephen Colbert by posting prolifically on the ColbertNation forums using the handles Eris and zaneblue. She likes to write about the unseemly details of her sex life, but her political nonsense almost eclipses her sexual nonsense.

Ms. Lindberg has more than a touch of Palin Derangement Syndrome, reads DailyKos, comments regularly on HuffPo, and thinks George Bush stole the elections in 2000 and 2004. Oh, and predictably enough, she hates corporations and neocons. Of course, all that typical liberal ire is to be expected, considering the Rethuglicans are preventing her from getting the government to foot the bill for her research into female orgasms. As she wrote several weeks ago in a verbose letter she bribed Dan Savage to publish:

I can’t get funding because of the Republicans in power, there’s no funding for any non-pharmaceutical research, much less for a study on God forbid female sexuality.

Someone might want to let Marrena Lindberg know that the Democrats won control of Congress in 2006. If only she knew before donating all her “spare money to Obama.” She could have saved her cash to load up on Colbert centric spank material.

All The Cool Kids Are Doing It

It’s the weekend. What’s the lazy blogger to do? Meme time!

Things I’ve done are in bold with parenthetical explanations.

1. Started your own blog. (Now that one’s just silly.)
2. Slept under the stars. (The first time was on a Bronx stoop.)
3. Played in a band.
4. Visited Hawaii.
5. Watched a meteor shower. (Also from a Bronx stoop.)
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to Disneyland.
8. Climbed a mountain.
9. Held a praying mantis.
10. Sang a solo. (Ugh, Annie in sixth grade.)
11. Bungee jumped.
12. Visited Paris.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea. (The storm was at sea, I was safely on land.)
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch.
15. Adopted a child.
16. Had food poisoning. (Salmonella Saintpaul put me out of commission for 3 weeks this year.)
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty.
18. Grown your own vegetables. (Just tomatoes so far – more to come this spring.)
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.
20. Slept on an overnight train.
21. Had a pillow fight. (Duh, I was a kid once.)
22. Hitch hiked.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill. (Once, and I made myself sick with guilt.)
24. Built a snow fort. (Yep, snow castles too.)
25. Held a lamb. (Only on my fork.)
26. Gone skinny dipping. (Does an unintentional wardrobe malfunction count?)
27. Run a marathon. (Just a 5k mini marathon in fifth grade.)
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice.
29. Seen a total eclipse.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset. (Too many to count.)
31. Hit a home run.
32. Been on a cruise. (Does the three hour Circle Line count?)
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.
35. Seen an Amish community.
36. Taught yourself a new language.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person.
39. Gone rock climbing.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David.
41. Sung karaoke.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt.
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant.
44. Visited Africa.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight. (It was fun until I noticed the sand crabs. Ick.)
46. Been transported in an ambulance. (Twice, but I wasn’t the patient.)
47. Had your portrait painted. (I got my caricature done at a bat mitzvah.)
48. Gone deep sea fishing. (I caught nothing.)
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling.
52. Kissed in the rain.
53. Played in the mud.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater.
55. Been in a movie.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China.
57. Started a business. (I’m working on it – keep your fingers crossed.)
58. Taken a martial arts class. (I met my husband in karate class when I was 14.)
59. Visited Russia.
60. Served at a soup kitchen.
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies. (I was a Brownie.)
62. Gone whale watching.
63. Got flowers for no reason.

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma.
65. Gone sky diving.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp.
67. Bounced a check.
68. Flown in a helicopter.
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy. (One or two. Fine, maybe ten or twenty.)
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial.
71. Eaten Caviar.
72. Pieced a quilt.
73. Stood in Times Square. (Too many times to count.)
74. Toured the Everglades. (Ah, family vacations.)
75. Been fired from a job.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London.
77. Broken a bone.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person.
80. Published a book.
81. Visited the Vatican.
82. Bought a brand new car. (Twice.)
83. Walked in Jerusalem.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper. (Probably around a dozen times.)
85. Read the entire Bible. (But only a children’s version.)
86. Visited the White House.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
88. Had chickenpox. (THREE TIMES! Bet you thought that wasn’t possible!)
89. Saved someone’s life.
90. Sat on a jury.
91. Met someone famous.
92. Joined a book club.
93. Lost a loved one. (It doesn’t get any easier.)
94. Had a baby.
95. Seen the Alamo in person.
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake.
97. Been involved in a law suit.
98. Owned a cell phone. (I haven’t had a land line since 2001.)
99. Been stung by a bee. (Right between the shoulder blades.)
100. Read an entire book in one day. (I wish I had time for this one more often.)

So, there you have it. I’ve done 41 out of 100 things that memesters deem meme-worthy. I’m tagging Rob Taylor to waste part of his Sunday on this list.

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